Happy Friday!
As a special end of the week treat, I am going to tell the story about how I came to be a nonbeliever/atheist. I've been wanting to write about this for awhile but I haven't come around to it, until now. First, I should clarify why I call myself an atheist. I definitely do not believe in anthropomorphic deities, including the biblical God as well as any human-like deity (Zeus, Apollo, Shiva, Ra, etc.) that has ever been thought of by human beings. However, beyond that, I really don't know the secrets of the Universe. I have no clue why life and humans exist. But I'm pretty sure that anthropomorphic deities were made up by humans. I think it is far more likely that humans made God in our image, rather than the other way around. There is no evidence (expect for in the minds of people) to suggest that humans were uniquely made by a supernatural force. But this post isn't meant to be an argument for atheism per say, just how I came here. So with that, I'll begin.
I was raised Catholic in the suburbs of Minneapolis-St. Paul. I was baptized in the Catholic Church and I also participated in the first communion when I was 8 years old. When I was younger, my parents were practicing Catholics but that stopped somewhere around my late pre-teen years; maybe even before, I can't speak for their religious beliefs or lack thereof but us kids still went to church until I was about 12. Luckily for me, my parents were never very religious or strict in their beliefs. My mom told me that I was never in danger of Hell, no matter what other Christians (or my cousins) said. My brothers and I went to mass when we were younger and we prayed at the start of meals, mostly just at my grandparents' house. In retrospect, I'm glad that my parents were not very strict in their beliefs because I think their openness helped lead me to where I am now.
Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to know the answer. To everything. I asked "why?" constantly.
"Why is the grass green? Why is the sky blue? Why are cats covered in fur and we are not? Why are there bugs? WHY??"
You could say that I was always a scientist. I sought the answers because I want to know. Gathering knowledge is one of my favorite things to do, even back then. We didn't get the internet (remember AOL dial up?!!?) until I was around 8 and we didn't have fast, reliable internet until I was in high school. But we did have books. Lots and lots of books. Books about knights in the middle ages, books about sharks, books about jungle cats, you get the picture. Thank you mom and dad. My appetite for knowledge was insatiable. What does this have to do with anything? you may be asking yourself but I swear I'm going somewhere with this. Point is, my search for knowledge started early, as well as one of my favorite past times of thinking deeply about life and truth.
When I was around 10, I began to contemplate the idea of salvation and the promise to live in a paradise (Heaven) forever. The idea of forever was difficult for a child to grasp but that didn't stop me from thinking about it. The more I thought about just how long forever is, I became very frightened. I thought about the alternative (burning in Hell forever). I came to the realization that to me, both options are terrible. I was terrified at the prospect of living anywhere forever, even a paradise.
"Can I opt out and just not exist?" was one of my frequent thoughts. I was really sad and scared about what I thought at the time was reality and the only two options after death. I managed to forget about it for a few years I suppose but this fear came screaming back when I was a sophomore in high school. It consumed my every thought for weeks. In chemistry class. In French class. At home during dinner. I thought about the concept of living forever in Heaven or Hell constantly. I became depressed and even more terrified. I don't remember how I managed to forget about this but I did until the following year, my junior year of high school.
The English and literature course for 11th grade at my high school was world literature. We started the course by reading various creation stories from around the world. Up to that point, I don't think I had given much thought to the creation of Earth and its inhabitants. But as we were reading these stories (all of which are fables that predate the knowledge of geology and astronomy), I knew that this isn't how it really happened; these were just stories, tales. We read Genesis last. As we were reading it, a brand new thought bounced into my head.
"This sounds just as ridiculous as all the other creation stories we have read..."
GASP!
"Did I really just think that?" I thought to myself.
I hadn't learned that much about evolution, chemistry, physics, geology (pretty much all the things I know now) and everyone I knew was a Christian, Jewish, or a Muslim. I didn't know any nonbelievers. Given that, you can imagine how terrifying those thoughts were for a girl who had been raised to believe that you must believe in God to get into Heaven. I scared myself. I decided to read the Bible because maybe that could bring me back to an unyielding faith. In fact, the opposite happened. I remember reading the passage where Eve and all women are dammed to painful childbirth. I thought to myself, "Huh? Childbirth is painful because Eve ate some fruit from this tree?"
And I was not satisfied with that explanation. It seemed ridiculous even though at the time I didn't make the connection between the size of a human infant's head and the size of a female's birth canal, but I still wasn't satisfied. The ball of yarn had started unraveling. I was in anguish because my faith was slipping away and I couldn't stop it. I even got a tattoo of "Hosanna" on my left wrist shortly after I turned 18. It sounds stupid, but the day I got it I didn't believe in God, but I really wanted to. I still didn't know anybody that didn't believe in God. I was terrified of my own thoughts (notice the recurring feeling of sheer terror). I couldn't tell my parents that I didn't believe, let alone anyone else.
But, it got better not long after that. I finished my first biology class at the University of Minnesota and I started to finally get the answers I had been searching for. Evolution and the story of life's journey from single-celled organisms (maybe even just strands of RNA!) was the most exciting tale that I had heard yet. First, I accepted evolution and the Big Bang Theory, but I still believed in some sort of God (or at least I kept telling myself that). It wasn't until one of my mentors and good friends lent me "The End of Faith" by Sam Harris. After that, my fear was lifted away. I felt extreme relief. I finally had the courage to "come out" as a non-believer to my family. They didn't take it well. To this day, I think many of my family members and friends still have a hard time with it. Some of my family members are still praying for my soul. As far as I know, I am the only non-believer in my family. I was shocked and saddened a few years ago when a long-time friend of mine sent me a message on facebook explaining why she is deleting me from her friends list. Her reason was because I don't believe in God. I wish I was making that up but I have the message to prove it!
I discovered the late but great Carl Sagan's books in the last few years. My views on life, the Universe and ethics have been forever changed. I chose to be a biologist and I read more and more about atheism and became convinced that leaving Christianity was truly one of the best things I did.
And since I have to give credit where credit is due, I should mention that somewhere in the period of my transition (but before I read the End of Faith) Blake told me that "Hell was just made up to scare kids into going to Sunday school". I guess he always knew the truth. He had already made the journey to non-belief. I'm glad he was there to catch me.
Alright, I should wrap this up. Believe it or not, this is the short version. I left out a lot of detail but perhaps I'll fill the gaps in later posts about this topic.
I guess the moral of the story is this: non-believers, I understand the fear and anxiety but come out, come out, wherever you are. I've got your back.
Fembot, out!
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